Since the birth of my son, my husband and I began to search for a good methodology to raise our little one to be respectful, kind, intelligent and, what is very important, honest. Many hours of research: in internet, bookshops and libraries gave us many ideas but we were still unsure which one is the most suitable for us. And the easiest, since we are both working and cannot afford to be with the child all day by ourselves. Luckily, I happened to visit my neighbour who was expecting and she told me about her approach to this matter. There is literature that can help tremendously.

Books for children and workbooks for parents and educators: Kind Book project

Let's start by thinking about why people lie. The answer is obvious: to avoid hurting people, to avoid looking bad, to avoid being punished, shouted at or humiliated. While aggression, humiliation, hurt and fear exist, lies will continue to exist alongside them. But life begins in the family. If children lie at home, it is for the same reasons: misunderstanding, hurt, humiliation, shouting or punishment. That's the way people are. If we are afraid, we hide. Lying is a convenient and easy way to hide.
Sometimes it's quicker and easier for us to tell a child off, and shout at him if he has done something wrong, than to try and understand the problem and devise a punishment that will not humiliate the child, but instead will help him to understand he has behaved badly. If a child feels afraid, it will only increase his inclination to lie and deceive. The first awkward, obvious lie might even make us laugh. In actual fact, it's a huge, anxious sign to parents and teachers that; The child is afraid of you and is learning to lie! Toddlers don't know what lying is. 3-5 year olds say: I'm just being clever, I'm not lying on purpose. And more often than not, they believe they are not lying, and even that they are doing the opposite. They simply don't have any desire to lie. But as children get older, their attitude towards lying changes. Here are the opinions of 7-14 year olds.

Children lie for the following reasons:

Their parents are high up and see everything from up above. They're embarrassed. They feel shy. They are not sure what to say. Their parents don't let them do things. Their parents might not realise they're lying. To stop their parents asking lots of questions. To get themselves out of some kind of situation. Children feel which reply should be given to their parents and, what should not be exposed. Children want to keep their lives secret.

It turns out that when children reach their teens, lying becomes a part of life. It builds an invisible barrier between parents and kids. And this barrier starts one's existance from the very beginning of the life of a child.

How can we steer children away from the desire to lie?

Rule number 1: Above all, try not to lie yourself. This does not always happen. If a child discovers you have lied, tell him: "Yes, it is very hard not to lie. I don't always manage it, but I am learning to be honest, and I want you to learn that too. Only strong people can tell the truth. I believe you'll grow up to be a strong person."The child won't lose respect for you if he hears something like that. In fact, he'll learn to admit his mistakes.

Rule number 2: Don't ignore even the smallest, most insignificant lie. A suitable fairytale can help you no end. You can tell young children stories using toys as aids. Take the toys and act out a situation where a child tells a lie. Discuss with the children whether the toys have behaved correctly or not.

Bunny and bear lived together and shared everything. One day, bunny bought some tasty chocolates, while bear was out for a walk. He hid the chocolates in the cupboard and thought: "I'll go to work now, and in the evening I'll come back and give bear some chocolates." But when bunny returned home, he couldn't find the chocolates in the cupboard. "Bear, did you take my chocolates?" bunny asked. "No, I didn't take them - I didn't even see them," bear replied, and he went red, quietly hiding the chocolate wrappers in his pocket. Bunny didn't say anything, but he was really upset.

After the story, ask the child:

Why do you think bunny was so upset? Who took the chocolates? What should bear do to make bunny feel better?

The story will help the child understand their behaviour more deeply then a few general words about how it is bad to lie. One should realise the great teaching assistance in a story that echoes with the child's life. When the children are older, philosophical and psychological stories can help children understand the harm that lying causes.

Rule number 3. When you're telling children off, don't humiliate them. Most importantly, discuss about the incident. Show the child that you're worried and upset. You can bring an 'honesty chair' into the room — an attractive, comfy chair. Suggest the child sits in it in order to become honest. If your punishment involves depriving the child of something 'cartoons, sweets, toys or computer games - show them that you're suffering too and sympathising with them. Be a good friend to your child, even when you are punishing them. If, for example, you are punishing your child by not giving him sweets, while you do eat sweets yourself, or forbid him to watch his favourite movies while you do continue to enjoy watching tv yourself. The child feels the world is unjust if adults are allowed what he is not, and will protect himself from this injustice using lies.

Rule number 4. Try to be in all situations and under any circumstances, a good friend to your children. Remember, people don't cheat their friends. This will stop an impenetrable wall of lies dividing your family into two separate parts who don't understand each other's worlds.

Reading books and workbooks on moral education and attending relevant workshops: these are the main factors that will help you to maintain trust within the family and to teach your children how important it is to have qualities such as responsibility, honesty and strength of character. Kids won't pay much interests to lectures, but they will visualize events in interesting storytellers and enertaining fairy-tales. After reading such story, it is the best time to gain their confidence and to make them explain what is troubling them. Both parents and teachers need teaching guidelines and good wise books to assist them in their not-so-easy tasks of upbringing of the next generation - honorable, honest, kind and wise citizens of our Planet Earth.

Copyright (c) 2008 Lilia Parker